In Three Words...

..Fuck my life!!!

I get to exit 6 on 95 going back to school and all of a sudden my car starts smoking!! I get off the exit and pull over half expecting a massive explosion to happen momentarily...freaking out, I call Dad (I mean seriously, what else would I do??) After that I called my friend Erin (thank goodness she lives 10 minutes from where I broke down) Then a cop comes and forces me to call AAA before I can call anyone else. AAA takes an hour and 15 minutes to come tow me ( they said it would be 30 minutes tops)...so I am waiting with Erin which was nice to catch up!! I tell the tow-man to leave my keys under the drivers side mat...he left them in the mechanic drop box...awesome! Dad and Ryan come up to put antifreeze/coolant in my car because we all figure it just overheated...wrong! Upon further inspection, the entire passenger side floor front and back are soaked with antifreeze...awesome! So needless to say it is probably heating cord (...or something like that?)

So now I am stranded in Providence and break is 4 days away....WTF??

....was this fucking necessary...no!

Faith

I believe in God.

I honestly say my prayers before I go to bed at night.

I have unwavering faith in his power and that he has some "bigger plan" already laid out. 

I believe that he wouldn't throw any hurdle in my way if he knew I couldn't jump it.

With that being said, I feel like something big, no huge actually, is going to happen in my life that will make every unanswered "why?" and all these mental, physical, and emotional obstacles seem small and meaningless.

Hopefully it will come in the form of a string of blockbusters that gain me fame and recognition from all of Hollywood's greats, a star on Hollywood Boulevard, and hell, even an Oscar or 6...

...that's what I'm talkin about ;) 

Truth and Lies

I was in Urban Outfitters the other day and as I watched my friends look through and try on all sorts of clothes that I cant fit in or even afford for that matter...I decided to do the only thing I could do and leaf through pages of interesting books they have on sale. I came across a book called PostSecret by Frank something-or-other. It was a project he did where he invited people to send him postcards with secrets that no one else knew. Some of them were hilarious, some were extremely sad, but most were relatable. I decided that night to go and try the same thing. I wrote truths about myself that only I know on post-it notes. I wasnt surprised at the things i wrote down, I was surprised with what they all had in common....honesty

I have a problem with honesty. I cannot truly be honest with people (or myself sometimes). I am so afraid of people not liking me that I can't be straightforward and honest when I want to be. Because I can't be honest, I have become a phenomenal liar. Not something I am too proud of. I tell people that the sky is green and I can make them believe me. I lie so much that sometimes I dont even remember what the truth is. Its a dangerous place to be....caught in a web of lies, but thats why I make sure I am good at what I do. Try and understand, I do not tell massive, life altering lies - I tell small white lies to and about people who I know their path's will never cross. 

Ughh this is so bad...I know. And I want to stop but my life seems so boring. My character backstory is boring. I have never done anything crazy or exciting, whether with friends or family that makes me cooler than the next person and frankly, I want to be envied. I want people to look at me and say.."damn, she's so cool. Why doesn't this happen to me??" I know...lame, but it's the truth (see! maybe I can change). It's not that I can't be honest, it's that I don't want to be honest because the truth is way boring. 

Ok...that felt good to get out there. I know I ramble but it makes it that much more exciting to read - you never know where my mind goes next!!

P.S. - Something tells me this New Year's Resolution will be quite long....

Cherry on Top

So...Im here at school. I got back like 40 minutes ago...I enjoyed a nice weekend home but had to come back to work at the hell-hole that is the Radisson until the end of Thanksgiving Day. I am already pissed about being back here and having to stay here all alone and to my chilly surprise when I get in the door....its fucking freezing in the house. My first thought "well its cold out so Ill crank the heat up and see what happens.."...The heat is at 75!! We havent run it higher than 70 so far...RED FLAG!...Right now I am all bundled up ( winter jacket, sweatshirt, gloves, scarf, etc..) waiting for my landlord to get back to me...hopefully I dont freeze to death in the meantime...

Ya Wanna Know Something...

I think that IMing each other while they are in the same room just so they can talk about someone else in the room is really fucking immature and annoying....GROW THE FUCK UP!

...having a bad day...couldn't you tell?!?

Something to keep tucked in your mind...

You cannot make everyone happy - and the more you try the harder it gets. 

It is especially hard though when you are the most unhappy of all. 

For a second you need to take a step back and realize that people can fend for themselves

... they have been for centuries.

The most important thing is looking out for #1... you

You only have a short time here so you need to make the most of it.

Rid your live of bad energy, bad people, and bad haircuts.

Embrace everything.

Every leaf on a tree, every cloud in the sky, every single car in rush hour traffic.

There will be things you see everyday that you will never appreciate until the one day you don't see it...

Don't take anyone or anything for granted.

Realize that you make not be making the right decision for everyone else, but that's okay as long as it is the right decision for you. 

Your parents may get mad - but they still love you.

Your siblings may complain about you - but they still love you too.

Remember that sometimes arguments are needed to keep everyone on their toes.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass - but learning how to dance in the rain.

And no matter how bad the storm gets there will always be sun soon after...

Start believing that someday you won't be forgotten and you won't be a shadow. 

That one day when someone thinks of you, it'll bring a smile to their face and give them a warm feeling inside. 

It's okay to cry - and I do, 

It's okay to be wrong - and I am. 

Bad days will be hard...but bad hair days will be harder

Life isn't about being popular, being right, or being perfect, it's about making mistakes and learning from them, taking chances, having fun and most of all, 

LIVING

The Golden Rule...

..is looking somewhat tarnished!

We have been taught about The Golden Rule and have had it instilled into our very being from Day 1 of kindergarten. "Do to others as you would want done to you." It seems sensible and not all that hard to do... except it is. 

I would like to think that I am a good person, extremely high-strung, over-analytical, and a huge worrier - but nonetheless a good person. I do my best to be an upstanding citizen, help out whenever necessary and brush my teeth at least twice a day. But maybe I am too nice and I am in such desperate need to feel accepted by all my friends and family that I bend over backwards for them and - excuse my language - I only get fucked. I change my schedule around and go out of my way to make sure that everyones needs are met all the while completely neglecting # 1...ME! But when I need the favor done I get excuses and bullshit and because I hate confrontation I once again change everything around so that I can find a new way to deal with my problems. 

I dont know...maybe I am not really a good person. Maybe I am a lazy procrastinator when I really think that I am doing well. Maybe I do look the other way when the garbage needs to be taken out or leave dishes in the sink because I dont want to empty the dishwasher...but honestly, does that mean that I am not allowed to catch a fucking break once in a while?? Ughh...

...and I wonder why I am slowly but surely turning cynical and bitter

P.S. - if you care about me at all....DO NOT let me get a cat!! - that will only make it worse because I will be known as the cynical, bitter, CAT LADY..

She's Baaaaaackkkkkk!

Here's Britney's new video!! 

I love it because well I love Britney - avid fan from "..Baby One More Time" through the crazy head-shaving, crackhead phase. Can't wait to get her new album and maybe see her on tour...?

It's Like They Took a Picture Straight From My Life...

I Am Talented

I have managed to rack up $195 in traffic and parking tickets in the city of Providence in a mere 3 1/2 months. Not only that - but I have also managed to get 2 parking tickets in 3 hours within 20 feet of each other.... now that is talent. They don't teach you that shit in Driver's Ed... that can't be taught.

Just another thing to add to my list of why Providence is a terrible place to live. They set up Providence so you need a car, but every street is 2 hour parking... one of my classes lasts longer than that.. And last time I checked so does the average workday. They also do not allow overnight parking on the street so unless you are a one car family... your completely fucked. 

Am I the only one who has a problem with this??

Oops...I did it again..

In a big bad way...

Im not sure how I feel - I am going back Friday to get it toned down a little...It's way too Marilyn Monroe for me.

What do you think?

P.S. - the one of the bottom I just took now - the one on the top is in my car as soon as I left the salon

First Week of Class Stirs Up Some Emotions..

Yesterday began Junior year! It was exciting because I started a brand new program, but at the same time it was sooo boring - like ridiculously boring. I had three classes - 2 of which were 2 hrs blocks and the last one was 3.5 hrs (thankfully only once a week). Plus I am still working full time and on certain days I have to put in a full work day (5am - 1pm) before I go to class.   

I'm at a different campus ( although still in Providence) and I feel like a freshman all over again. For the past 2 years I have been set in my little comfort zone - everyone shares not only the same interests, but the same uniform as well. Don't get me wrong..I'm all for nail polish, jewelry and individualism, but uniforms set everyone at the same level and gave everyone a sense of belonging - knowing that they were not the only crazy's who has been a self-proclaimed "foodie" since birth.

As much as I am excited to move from the technical side of the culinary industry into the business side of it, there is still a small piece of me that aches for the 7am lab class - for getting up at the crack ass of dawn to go into a freezing cold bake shop and learn in a truly unique and hands on way how to create art with food. I still have one of my housemates in the Baking & Pastry Bachelor's Program. I ask her everyday about what she did in class, and not just out of good manners - I really want to know! I feel like I still have that link to the food world. 

You may be asking "Why did you leave then??" and here is the answer...FEAR! I would go into my lab class always scared to mess up, even though I knew what I was doing and I always felt like it was not my place to be in the bakeshop because that was not the type of person I was brought up - education wise - to be. I also had a ton of self-doubt that I was in the completely wrong field. I even feel that way now when I am work -which brings me to believe that I have just not yet found the perfect outlet (i.e. hotels, restaurants, bakery). 

  I have always thought about myself as an academic person - sitting in a lecture, taking notes, doing  homework. I have come to realize though that maybe everything I had thought about myself is different. Maybe all these years that I thought "If I wasn't so lazy and applied myself I could have easily graduated top of my class" was wrong. Could it have been that all along I am a "hands - on" rather than "visual" or "auditory" learner? I'm not sure to be perfectly honest and I may never know. What I do know for certain is that all this emotion about being away from the baking world just shows me that I really do have a passion for this industry and one day I will find my perfect little place where it won't be a job anymore and I will be able to get rid of all the self-doubt and anxiety and just do what I do! 

Watch Out For That First Step...It's A Doosey

This was my night in a nutshell...

After playing in the monsoon-like rain, I slipped and fell down my 4 front porch steps...needless to say my back and arm is bruised up pretty bad

And I know what you all are thinking but believe it or not I was COMPLETELY sober!!

Move-Ins

Yesterday Kierstin moved in to the house. I am so excited about it because it means that the house will be full again and I will have someone to talk to when Kayla is at work!! Plus it also means that school is starting and there will be a whole new pace in the house. I love it!! Plus I have the next 2 days off from work to just hang out with her and catch up!

Although move-in days can be stressful...this one was not bad at all because I was already moved in and settled and had nothing to worry about but helping out. It is a great feeling to know amongst everything else I have to deal with..moving is not one of them. 

Next is Sophia's turn to move in! That will be on Thursday...lets see how it goes =)

Finally...Gratification

So, after one hellish summer of working at The Radisson...I got some gratification! 

We will be renaming and revamping the menu at the restaurant so we had a menu tasting planned for this coming Friday. I found out yesterday that the tasting was today and with no more than 2 or 3 small things left to do on our prep list we had to practically start again prepping all 6 new desserts. 

Today I came in and none of the bread formulas were around and we had no standards to base our dessert plating on...

Oh and sidenote...our chef is on vacation for the week...awesome

So...long story short, after many frantic phone calls to my chef, getting bitched at by another chef for not being prepared, and getting stretched to my limit...we bang out this menu tasting!

I came up with every plate design myself and was highly complimented by not only the executive chefs but by the director of Intern Properties at the university!!...and the executive chef apologized for being such a dick =)

I'm amazing.... it's ok.... you don't have to keep saying it!!

I would also like to thank my fellow TA's in the bakeshop...they're amazing as well =)

*Pictures will be posted when I get them.

In Case You Have Been Under a Rock..

Congratulations to Michael Phelps! He has gone 8 for 8 all gold in Beijing! He has beaten Mark Spitz record or 7 medals in one Olympic games and has the most medals overall in history at 14 total. Undoubtedly the best Olympic athlete ever!.. and he's not too bad on the eyes =)

Get Your Copy Of the Beijing Olympics Today!!!

So a friend of mine came across the article the other day... and the thing is I think there is very slight chance it is true...

I'm Just Gonna Say It...

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!!

I wish I had stuck with any of the Olympic-type sports that I have tried. Yea, sure you pretty much give up your life and do nothing but practice and compete. But every four years you compete on the world stage with all the glory and the entire nation cheering for you as their symbol of pure athleticism...

I have chills just writing about it =)

A conclusion I came up with..

Change happens for a reason. It can be a small change like switching shampoos or it can be huge, like learning that just because something isn't exactly what you wanted doesn't mean it can't be everything you had hoped for. True bonds, true friendships cannot be torn by distance, in fact *ahem* absence makes the heart grow fonder.  ;)

Life throws curves, some expected, some unexpected, some wished for, and some absolutely damned. The thing about life is that it goes on. And the best way to deal with it is to make sure that you know that you are the only person that can make it a good or bad thing. 

This summer has been one of enlightenment for me. I have not enjoyed this summer one bit. It has been lonely. But in a way it helped me to realize that things aren't always going to go my way. I will never be able to have everything I want and as long as I have a select few important people in my life to help me through, everything will be okay... even when I feel like the bottom has dropped out.  

To sum up...

.. everything fucking sucks right now!

Not Like You Need It..

..but good luck on your IT certification test Brother!!! =)

I Never Though I'd Say This...

..but I want summer to be over!! =(

Let me re-phrase, I don't want the weather to leave, but the sheer boredom that I go through day by day. I am living here with one of my best friends but we never get to hang out because we have complete opposite schedules. When I am here during the days I work, I get out anywhere from noon to 2 latest, shower, eat then do nothing all day. I have no money to shop or do any activities, plus I'm usually so tired that all I want to do is sit and then I end up falling asleep which keeps me from sleeping at night when I need to....

I need more life in this house!!!!

A Thank You

I would just like to take a moment to thank the East Providence Police Department....FOR NOTHING!!!

I was lost because Providence/East Providence Police decided to close off 3 exits on the highway without any notice or detour signs. So I decided to use my keen sense of direction to try and figure out the back roads (yea... that got me completely lost). At this point the rain is coming down so hard I cannot see and the intense lightning is the only thing lighting up the sky. 

I decided that I would call the Providence Police Dept. and they transfered me to the East Prov. PD...I explained how I am not from the area and that I am lost... the women very rudely told me that there are more important things going on and she told me to just go to a gas station....

HOW DARE SHE?! I am a girl, lost in a city, during a thunderstorm, at night... and she wants me to just pretty much let me guard down and get out of my car and ask directions?.... she's a damn cop, she should know better!!

My response, due to my stress level was.... "Thanks a fucking lot for nothing" and I hung up. Maybe not my best decision, but that bitch deserved it. 

More and more I cannot wait to get outta this place...

Let me just say that I haven't gone to the movies since the winter and then in the past 5 days I have gone twice! Obviously Hollywood is doing something right!! haha

On Sunday I went to see "Batman: The Dark Knight"... and it was awesome!!! I'm not big into seeing movies based in comic books (i.e. The Hulk, Ironman, etc..), but I felt as though this was going to be really worth seeing. In general, I was never a fan of the Joker (I have a thing about clowns) but I'm not sure if it was because of Heath Ledger's recent passing or because I heard that it was the creepiest and most psychotic portrayal of a comic book villain ever. Let me tell you, for 2 1/2 hours I was on the edge of my seat with such a nervous feeling because there was no way of knowing what was going to happen next!... and it doesn't hurt that Christian Bale is absolutely gorgeous =) even if he does have an apparent temper  

 To all those who aren't really sure if it is really worth seeing or just being hyped up... go see it, this movie does not disappoint!  

UPDATE: Blonde Ambition?!

Here is the before...

Here is the after...

Bodie Lighthouse

This is why I love the Outer Banks...

This is my personal photo ( yea I know...it looks too good to be amateur haha) of Bodie Lighthouse...it was soo beautiful. It was kind of creepy going down the long, winding road in the dark but once we got there it was worth it.

Mamma Mia!

On Friday I had the day off from work, my roomie was at work and my 2 friends that were visiting has just left so I was home alone ( as usual) and bored, so I took a cue from my brother and decided to go to the movies. I went to go see Mamma Mia! partially because I love most of the cast that was in it and also because musicals hold a special place in my heart =)

My review on this movie is really good. The music was great and it kept a good pace. I have seen some musicals that are very drawn out and some point about 2/3 of the way in you are just like "If I hear one more goddamn song about you walking or running or dreaming Im going to throw something at the screen..." Mamma Mia! was honestly a toe-tapping movie. I suggest if you like musicals, or any of the cast members ( Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, etc..)

Has this ever happened to you...?!

So lets set up the stage for the story I am about to tell...
It's about 11:30pm. I have just gotten back from working at a fundraiser all day at the zoo. I have to be back at work for 5am the next morning. Im tired. All I want to do is go to bed.

Ok, Im in the bathroom and I am alone in the house and I start hearing weird noises... I start to get a little nervous and then all of a sudden I look at the bottom of the door and I see this weird black thing coming through the bottom. First thought, OMG that is the biggest bug I have ever seen...next thought...holy sh*t it's a mouse/rat....then I actually saw what it was....A BAT!!!

It starts flapping around. I freak out, start screaming, duck down and book it out of the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I call my Dad screaming and hyperventalating about the fact that there is a bat in the bathroom. I gain my composure for 5 minutes and go the house full of boys who live next year only to find that none of them are home (of course, right). I then call my roommate who is on her way home.

At this point I am soo freaked/grossed out that I could vomit. My roomie gets home and says that she was able to flag down some off duty firefighters that are going to come by and save the day. Once the firefighters got there, it took them all of 1 minute and a half to get the thing out of the house.


Ughh, it was one of the "WTF?!" moments followed by one of the "how the hell did it get in here??"...not a good feeling before bed.

So far, no signs of any others but I will keep you posted.

HAPPY SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAINING DAY!!

So, I officially know how to sexually harass someone...awesome!!

Kidding, of course, and I know that it is a serious issue, but when you have a room full of college students for 2 hours making us watch cheesy videos from the 80's, you can't help but snicker and be immature about it. What makes it worse is that my co-workers and I are innapropriate to begin with....so it made it that much better.

I love my job =)

Blonde Ambition?!

So, I took that big step...I went blonde!! I have been taking baby steps towards going from my natural dark brown to blonde for like 8 years now and I finally said "what the hell, why not?!" and did it. It's something to get used to...I'm not sure how I feel. It's been less than a week so I am not sure if blondes have more fun...but I'm pretty sure they do. And seeing as I have seen both sides, I stand behind my statement. I don't have any good pictures yet (again, less than a week) but once I do I will post them.

On trying to be an adult..

So it's been a while but a lot has happened. I graduated with my Associate's, I moved into an apartment with a friend of mine, and I am learning how to live on my own....not an easy task.

I'm trying to make it with a $9/hr job in a house that costs $500 a month...you do the math. Granted I had money saved up for the big purchases (bed, furniture, etc..) but you would be amazed at how much you take for granted at your house until you don't have it anymore. Little things like a shower rack to store shampoo or a kitchen table ( yea, its been 3 weeks and still no table haha). I have also come to have a new respect for my parents who went shopping religiously every Sunday and came home with bags full of goodies...definitly not cheap. I have been living off PB&J and pasta and let me tell you...I'm gettin tired of it.

After talking to my Mom numerous times about "how things are going" we both came to the realization that if I was completely on my own I would probably crash and burn. Of course, if I was completely on my own I would hopefully be at a job where I was at least making double digits an hour....but in todays world I cant be too sure of that. This whole thing made me realize that everything is becoming so real and I fear that the independence I want to have will never come because I won't be able to afford to do all the adult things like buy a home or a car. I'm sure I am just making myself nuts ( which I realize that I do alot to myself) but it is just another thing that runs through my head all the time! ughh

One for the fam..

I love the fact that I am now of legal drinking age, finishing my junior year of college, and able to share with most members of my family the shenanagins that I have done, sober or otherwise (mostly otherwise). I also love how they relate my stories to some of their own, bringing me to realizing that I am not the rogue one of the group....I am just like the rest of them, I was just too young before to know! It's makes me sleep better at nite...that and the booze - kidding ;)

Here's to family..shaping who you are, making you crazy and knowing you cannot change much because of genetics =)


A little something my brother sent me.. said it was "totally" me!

Think about it

If Bugs Bunny didn't wear pants...why is it that he wore a towel when he got out of the shower??

It just doesn't make any sense!!

For Bill...

A thought on maturity..

So, for those of you who don't know, I'm a pastry student. I'm finishing my second year here at school and I find it funny that at any other university around the world, you are mostly surrounded by people who are majoring in anything from accounting to liberal arts (a.k.a - 4 year degree on how to waste your parents money)

Here our campus is strictly culinary and pastry students which has its ups and downs. For one thing, you are around people who all have one thing in common; FOOD. We all love and want to talk about it constantly. The downside to that is that there is an ongoing competition between everyone about who is better, who works harder, who knows more..etc. Whether you want to or not you cannot have a single conversation with someone without trying to "out -do" the other person with stories about what they have done in class or at work. At some point in the conversation you can actually see someones blood start to boil and you can tell when they start to make outrageous claims.."Jesus wasn't the only one to turn water into wine....I did that in class the other day!!" That's when I just take a step back.

I'm all of a sudden taken back to the schoolyard when I was 10 years old - "my bike is cooler than your bike - yea, well I can run faster than you, so there!" I can't help but laugh because we are supposed to be in college, the pinnacle of intellect and maturity... Which brings me to my ongoing question that I can never seem to get an answer to - At what point do you actually grow up? I know there is no ON swtich, so when does that happen? At what time can you say that you are an adult? People argue that it depends on age or once you get a full time job, live on your own, get married....whatever. No one ever really does though. Yes, you can put up a good front - go to the theater, stop watching cartoons, but seriously who are you kidding?? I maybe not be old and wise but I do know one thing...it all boils down to constant competiton.....and who's bike really is better.

I go to school at "Chimp Eden"

I go to a rather well known, accredited university in Rhode Island. The calibur of education is high and I must say that the education I have receieved is something that I can walk with pride about. The professors have many years of experience and knowledge behind them, some are even published. There is just one thing that I can't help but wonder about...to work in the offices, do you even need a high school education??...

Since getting a job that makes me an employee of the university, I have realized that just because you work for a university, doesn't exactly mean that if you applied you'd be smart enough to get in....think about it

I have one question about a residence hall on campus...simple enough right?...NO
I can't get the same answer twice and it's sending me into a fucking tailspin right now. As if I don't have enough to worry about with being a "responsible, upstanding citizen" that I'm supposed to start being at the age I'm at; I have to deal with the stress of incompetent chimpanzees that the university lets handle admissions, residence life, financial services, etc..

Ugh..I am soo ready to be done with this

1 1/2 more years...that's it