In Three Words...

..Fuck my life!!!

I get to exit 6 on 95 going back to school and all of a sudden my car starts smoking!! I get off the exit and pull over half expecting a massive explosion to happen momentarily...freaking out, I call Dad (I mean seriously, what else would I do??) After that I called my friend Erin (thank goodness she lives 10 minutes from where I broke down) Then a cop comes and forces me to call AAA before I can call anyone else. AAA takes an hour and 15 minutes to come tow me ( they said it would be 30 minutes tops)...so I am waiting with Erin which was nice to catch up!! I tell the tow-man to leave my keys under the drivers side mat...he left them in the mechanic drop box...awesome! Dad and Ryan come up to put antifreeze/coolant in my car because we all figure it just overheated...wrong! Upon further inspection, the entire passenger side floor front and back are soaked with antifreeze...awesome! So needless to say it is probably heating cord (...or something like that?)

So now I am stranded in Providence and break is 4 days away....WTF??

....was this fucking necessary...no!

Faith

I believe in God.

I honestly say my prayers before I go to bed at night.

I have unwavering faith in his power and that he has some "bigger plan" already laid out. 

I believe that he wouldn't throw any hurdle in my way if he knew I couldn't jump it.

With that being said, I feel like something big, no huge actually, is going to happen in my life that will make every unanswered "why?" and all these mental, physical, and emotional obstacles seem small and meaningless.

Hopefully it will come in the form of a string of blockbusters that gain me fame and recognition from all of Hollywood's greats, a star on Hollywood Boulevard, and hell, even an Oscar or 6...

...that's what I'm talkin about ;) 

Truth and Lies

I was in Urban Outfitters the other day and as I watched my friends look through and try on all sorts of clothes that I cant fit in or even afford for that matter...I decided to do the only thing I could do and leaf through pages of interesting books they have on sale. I came across a book called PostSecret by Frank something-or-other. It was a project he did where he invited people to send him postcards with secrets that no one else knew. Some of them were hilarious, some were extremely sad, but most were relatable. I decided that night to go and try the same thing. I wrote truths about myself that only I know on post-it notes. I wasnt surprised at the things i wrote down, I was surprised with what they all had in common....honesty

I have a problem with honesty. I cannot truly be honest with people (or myself sometimes). I am so afraid of people not liking me that I can't be straightforward and honest when I want to be. Because I can't be honest, I have become a phenomenal liar. Not something I am too proud of. I tell people that the sky is green and I can make them believe me. I lie so much that sometimes I dont even remember what the truth is. Its a dangerous place to be....caught in a web of lies, but thats why I make sure I am good at what I do. Try and understand, I do not tell massive, life altering lies - I tell small white lies to and about people who I know their path's will never cross. 

Ughh this is so bad...I know. And I want to stop but my life seems so boring. My character backstory is boring. I have never done anything crazy or exciting, whether with friends or family that makes me cooler than the next person and frankly, I want to be envied. I want people to look at me and say.."damn, she's so cool. Why doesn't this happen to me??" I know...lame, but it's the truth (see! maybe I can change). It's not that I can't be honest, it's that I don't want to be honest because the truth is way boring. 

Ok...that felt good to get out there. I know I ramble but it makes it that much more exciting to read - you never know where my mind goes next!!

P.S. - Something tells me this New Year's Resolution will be quite long....